Mental Fitness Mondays: The Radical Power of Saying No
How self-control protects us from burnout in activism, care work, and community life
Self Control as Self Care
People are sometimes surprised that Self-Control is part of the Self Care core muscle in our Mental Fitness model. But I see it as one of the most essential ways we can look after ourselves.
Self-control is about boundaries: for others, yes, but also for ourselves. And many of the wonderful people I work with (possibly even you) struggle with this. They answer every call. They drop their own plans to help out. They say “yes” again and again, and then end up stretched thin, resentful, and close to burnout.
What happens? Their People Skills muscles get overused, and their Self Care muscles weaken. That’s why I believe self-control is the key that unlocks the Self Care door. And far from being selfish or avoidant, it’s actually a radical way of being more effective as an activist or advocate.
Pick Your Battles
The phrase “pick your battles” carries real wisdom. None of us can fight everything all the time. We need to fight the good fights: the ones where we can make a difference, where our energy is most needed.
Like you, I care deeply about injustice in the world. But if I throw myself into every campaign, try to help everyone, and say yes to everything, I burn out. And when I burn out, I’m no good to anyone.
What Lies Beneath?
Self-control isn’t just about habits. It’s also about self-awareness.
If you grew up hearing messages like “put others first,”; you watched caregivers who lacked boundaries, or you’ve picked up people-pleasing patterns, then awareness is the first step.
Years ago, I realised I had a deep need to please. I’d say yes to things I didn’t want:
- Eating food I didn’t enjoy to avoid offending a host
- Staying out late when I really wanted to go home
- Showing up to meetings I didn’t have the energy for
That constant override of my needs chipped away at my mental fitness.
Now I know what’s good for me. And it’s easier to exercise self-control by saying:
- “Yes” to what nourishes me
- “No” to what drains me
I don’t throw myself into every cause. But I do show up fully and meaningfully for the ones that matter most to me. The result? More quality time, more impact.
How About You?
Take a moment to reflect:
- What healthy boundaries would help you give more to the things that matter?
- What battles are not yours to fight?
Trying to save everyone isn’t just a lack of self-control. It can also be a lack of belief in others. You don’t have to be the rescuer, especially not if you haven’t got the energy to rescue yourself.
A Bit of Neuroscience
Self-control draws on the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain just behind your forehead that helps you plan, set boundaries, and resist impulses. The catch is that this part of the brain gets tired when we overuse it. This is why endless decision-making or constant people-pleasing can leave you exhausted. Psychologists call this “decision fatigue.”
The good news is that small habits can protect your brain energy. For example, deciding in advance what you’ll say yes or no to saves mental effort later. This is why boundaries are not just emotional protection; they’re also brain protection.
Coaching Reflection:
How will you exercise self-control this week by saying no to something that’s not truly important?
