Mental Fitness and Arguments
How good are you at picking your battles?
“I can’t believe you did that, that’s so unfair.”
“I had to do it. You must be an idiot if you can’t see that.”
“I’m not an idiot! You’re selfish and thoughtless, that’s the problem here.”
Arguments... they happen more often than we’d like. Today, let’s explore them through a Mental Fitness lens.
Why We Argue
Some people are more confrontational than others. A few might even enjoy “ruffling feathers” especially when they’re convinced they’re right. But most of us prefer to get along.
Arguments usually arise when there’s:
- a strong difference of opinion
- a need or expectation that isn’t being met
Whether it’s about who left the bin unemptied, or why a deadline was missed; arguments, big or small, have an impact on mental fitness.
How Arguments Affect Your Mental Fitness Muscles
Self Care
Arguments can hijack your emotions. You might lose self-control, say things you regret, or deplete your resilience. Depending on how the argument goes, you might boost your self-esteem (“Go me, I stood up for myself!”) or dent your self-regard (“I can’t believe I was so rude; I’m a terrible person.”)
Self Organisation
Arguments can sharpen your thinking or drain your mental energy. If you find yourself replaying arguments on a loop, that’s a clear sign your mental fitness has taken a hit. Creativity rarely emerges during a heated argument and we lose sight of wider perspectives and the present moment when we get caught up in the frustrations.
Self Development
Arguing can be a growth moment; like the quiet person who finally stands their ground. It takes courage. But over time, repeated arguments become draining. We can feel demotivated (“Why do I even bother!”) rather than inspired. However, sometimes a heated debate can channel positive change.
People Skills
Sometimes, arguments are a step towards authenticity. Speaking up on the things that matter is healthier than always suppressing your needs. But arguments often stem from a lack of empathy, particularly if there’s name calling.
Arguments can build confidence in expressing needs, but frequent petty or vindictive arguments don’t improve your people skills. I feel drained by people who argue constantly, I wonder if you do too?
So... What’s the verdict?
Occasional arguments, especially if you're conflict-avoidant, can be painful in the moment but help you grow. But regular arguments, especially in close relationships or teams, wear down your mental fitness muscles.
How Do Mentally Fit People Argue?
They argue less; not because they avoid hard conversations, but because they use their mental fitness muscles first:
- Empathy: trying to understand where someone is coming from
- Social skills: expressing needs clearly, calmly, and with respect
- Authenticity: advocating for themselves without escalating
- Emotion regulation: spotting emotional signals early and taking breaks if needed
When mentally fit people do argue, it tends to be more measured and persuasive. They reflect afterwards, own their mistakes, and apologise when needed. They're more solution-focused and less likely to blame or insult.
This means their mental fitness takes less of a hit and might even get a boost.
For further reading see this article: Here’s what happens in the brain when we disagree
Coaching Reflection
- How do you handle arguments?
- What happens to your mental fitness when you’re in conflict?
- What would help you argue in a more mentally fit way?
