Mental Fitness Mondays: Build Your Social Confidence
What if people are actually quite nice?
It’s Mental Fitness Monday time again and today I’m looking forward to exploring ‘social confidence’ with you. This follows on from the last post about social skills. (You can read that post here - Mental Fitness Mondays: How Good are your Social Skills? | Blog | Real Clear).
When it comes to social confidence, I often meet people who think it’s just the luck of the draw. You’re either born with confidence, or you’re not.
I (respectfully) disagree. I think we can all build confidence and develop the skills to enjoy engaging with others.
The opposite of confidence is social anxiety, something I’ve experienced myself. But today I want to flip that on its head, and not explore the anxiety, but instead focus on how we build confidence.
While it’s true that some people are more extroverted (and therefore more energised by engaging with people), that doesn’t mean they have a monopoly on social confidence. In fact, some extroverted people tell me that they might be outgoing, but they don’t feel socially confident.
I often meet people who are naturally quiet. I am myself! I love cosy nights in and I’m usually perfectly happy if social plans get cancelled. Back when I was a teenager, my worst nightmare would be having to speak in front of a group. I was described by my teachers as my best friend’s ‘shadow’. (Note to teachers: if you want to really undermine a quiet teenager’s already fragile confidence, this is the way to do it.) Back then if someone had told me that future me would run large training courses, I’d have been terrified.
I meet countless people like me, who have grown in their social confidence. I found it reassuring to realise that being confident doesn’t mean being loud, entertaining others, or always saying yes to every social invite.
So what is social confidence? To me, it’s the underlying belief that you are likeable and acceptable as you are. It’s a sense of feeling safe enough to engage with others in a meaningful way, whatever social context you’re in.
You can have this confidence while not being particularly socially skilled, but if you do have good social skills, that really helps.
To build your confidence I recommend three things:
1: Like yourself more, exactly as you are. What are some of your strengths and positive traits?
2: Challenge your negative assumptions about the social context or the people involved. What might be a more helpful way to view an upcoming social experience?
3: Build your confidence by building your skills (read my other blog post!). We can all feel more confident when we’re good at something.
People who are socially confident tend to feel happier, so it’s definitely worth working on this mental fitness muscle!
Here’s a coaching question to get you thinking: What is a socially confident version of you like?
